How to Keep Your Marriage Together After Having a Baby

Did you know that having a new baby is one of the most stressful situations that can test what a marriage is made of? (Well...if you already have a baby and a spouse/partner, then yes, you probably had some idea!) Physical wellness, financial issues, and lack of sleep are some of the greatest strains on relationship and pregnancy, birth, and postpartum often bring all of those into the mix.

You love each other, have fun together, and want to ensure that your new addition changes that for the better, not the worst. Here are some tips for couples to preserve their relationship through having a new baby.

Have a Realistic Understanding of the Changes Ahead

Take whatever you think having a newborn is going to be like – diapers, spit up, night wakings – and triple that. No, quadruple it! You'll need to take plenty of time for resting, healing, and bonding with your baby. You will both become frustrated and snappish with each other if you expect to be back to normal activities as soon as you get home from the hospital. And it's not just moms who deserve tender loving care in the postpartum period. Dads and non-birth-giving partners are also tired and emotionally raw from birth and need support and time for processing, no matter what a tough face they put on. They just had a baby too.

Don't Compare Your Experience to Others

It's easy to feel bitter or resentful when “so-and-so doesn't have this problem, why do you?” First of all, we never know exactly what's going on in someone else's life. Unless we live with them, we see only what they want us to see on Instagram. And parents' memories grow very dim with time, when they're no longer waking in the night. Parenting is hard for everyone. No exceptions. Nurture your unique relationship and your unique baby, and don't worry about what everyone else is doing or saying.

Remember Words Can Hurt or Heal

Instead of coming home from work and getting irritated that your wife wants you to give her “a break”, keep in mind that you've both worked hard all day and parenting doesn't end at 6:00pm. You're both in this together, 24/7! You're both feeling a little insecure and anxious about doing this whole parenting thing right, so build each other up with life-giving and encouraging words. “You are looking so confident in bathing her now.” “I love the way your face lights up when he smiles at you.” “You're doing a great job at this mom/dad thing.”

Divide Responsibilities Appropriately

While the dad or partner may not be able to breastfeed, there are many other ways to help lighten the load. In most relationships, there is one of you who may be more of an “early bird”, and one of you who is more of a “night owl”. Divide baby duties up into shifts, so you're taking turns getting a longer stretch of sleep rather than both of you getting the same little broken bits of sleep. Example: Mom has baby from 11pm to 4am, and Dad has baby from 4am to 8am. Pumped breastmilk, or bringing the newborn to Mom for nursing, are good options if the baby must feed during daddy time. (Due to work schedules and such, this doesn't always work for everyone...this is why we're often called in for the night shift as postpartum doulas!)

Realize that you need each other more than ever during this time. Resist the urge to speak a harsh word. While having kids doesn't get “easier”, per se – each stage of childhood has its special challenges – you will learn to get into a parenting groove together. There are no perfect parents, or perfect partners, just people who are generally good-willed toward each other and willing to grow and work together for the benefit of their families.

I just read this short but sweet book recently, and you might enjoy it too! “Your Marriage Can Survive a Newborn” is written by husband-and-wife team Glenn and Natalie Williams and shares their personal experience with the struggles of new parenthood, and how they overcame them to strengthen their relationship...and even decide to welcome a couple more kids later on.

Parents, what have you found that works for your marriage when you’re trying to keep it together with a new baby? Not to mention being cooped up at home together all spring!